So we were warned at AFM Training that there is always a difficult period or periods during mission service, a time of depression of one kind or another...
My first couple of days in this country were awful. I hated it and would have jumped straight back on the plane if it wasn't for the fact that God had clearly called me to be here through specific answers to specific prayers, including providing all the funds we needed through very many generous people without us having to beg.
My first couple of months were hard because school hadn't started, so I didn't really have anything to do and I was bored - it doesn't do my soul any good to be bored at all... It turns me into a crazy person! Etienne was spending time at the computer centre, so I was also kind of lonely (thank the Lord for the internet and everyone who was sending messages and photos and emails!). And everyone was speaking French all the time, so I couldn't follow conversations and felt pretty isolated. On top of that, it was HOT, and I felt physically exhausted all day every day and wondered if I would ever have the energy to even start teaching...
That phase passed and then I was really starting to enjoy being here. The Christmas period was difficult as we were on our own and facing food challenges (another thing that is just not good for my soul!) but there were some fun moments too.
What took me by surprise was what happened to my mindset mid-January. The first week of January, I was ill. I had a thumping headache, terrible diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting and complete fatigue. I didn't have enough energy to stand up longer than it took to run to the toilet... So I spent the whole week in bed. Etienne brought all my meals to me and took really good care of me. I felt a bit pathetic and useless as a missionary but I was content to rest a bit after the challenges of Christmas. The second week of January, I was better and able to start teaching again but then Etienne got sick with similar symptoms. During that week, I started to feel really angry inside, for no apparent reason. When Etienne asked me to do something for him, I felt annoyed but also frustrated with myself because of how loving he had been when I was sick and how uncaring I was feeling now that he was sick... When I could find a god excuse not to go to church meetings, I stayed at home. I wasn't interested in talking to people or listening to them pray their long prayers or sharing their testimonies about what God had done in their lives. When Elie and Eliora asked me to help them with their schoolwork or come so they could show me something, I wanted to tell them to leave me alone... I just wanted to hide from the world.
Towards the end of that week, Etienne was making the cleaning rota for church and asked me if I wanted to be on it. My response included silence and a screwed up face. I hate cleaning. Really really hate cleaning. I'm not good at it either. And besides, 'Service' isn't one of my spiritual gifts...
Excuses, excuses. The truth is that I'm selfish and lazy.
The battle between who I am and who I want to be will continue until the day I die. I wish I had the willingness to serve that Etienne has. I wish I was as hard-working a missionary as Quentin was. (And I wish I didn't love my bed so much...)
On 15 January, as all this anger and frustration was raging inside me, a Bible verse app on my phone shared this with me:
"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." 1 Thes 5:23-24.
Peace. Blameless... I was certainly not feeling either of those.
"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." Jesus has called you, chosen you. He will fill you with peace. He will continue to dig out the deeply-embedded weeds in your heart, the selfishness, the pride, the laziness, the fear, and He will make you blameless. Because you simply can't do it on your own.
I cannot do it on my own.
That night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I started crying. Crying because I didn't want to be feeling so hostile and angry, crying because I was ashamed of myself and how I'd been treating other people and having bad thoughts towards them, crying because I had alienated my husband and not shared my struggles with him. It was one of those situations where I didn't want Etienne to know I was crying, but I did want him to know at the same time (that's a woman thing!). It didn't take him long to realise, and then I was able to open up about all the stuff that was boiling inside. It was such a relief to share my burden (as always... When will I learn to share sooner?). And then Etienne prayed, turning over my issues and our lives to God once again, claiming the promise that His grace is sufficient.
I am so grateful for my husband and so grateful that God is who He is.
No doubt there will be more trying times, when Happy Me walks out the door and is replaced by Hostile Me. But no doubt, God loves me anyway and chooses me anyway and continues to fulfil His promise to change me to be more like Him. Amen!
PS Thank you to everyone who is praying for us. We are so in need of God's strength!
PPS I'm not pregnant :-P
My first couple of days in this country were awful. I hated it and would have jumped straight back on the plane if it wasn't for the fact that God had clearly called me to be here through specific answers to specific prayers, including providing all the funds we needed through very many generous people without us having to beg.
My first couple of months were hard because school hadn't started, so I didn't really have anything to do and I was bored - it doesn't do my soul any good to be bored at all... It turns me into a crazy person! Etienne was spending time at the computer centre, so I was also kind of lonely (thank the Lord for the internet and everyone who was sending messages and photos and emails!). And everyone was speaking French all the time, so I couldn't follow conversations and felt pretty isolated. On top of that, it was HOT, and I felt physically exhausted all day every day and wondered if I would ever have the energy to even start teaching...
That phase passed and then I was really starting to enjoy being here. The Christmas period was difficult as we were on our own and facing food challenges (another thing that is just not good for my soul!) but there were some fun moments too.
What took me by surprise was what happened to my mindset mid-January. The first week of January, I was ill. I had a thumping headache, terrible diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting and complete fatigue. I didn't have enough energy to stand up longer than it took to run to the toilet... So I spent the whole week in bed. Etienne brought all my meals to me and took really good care of me. I felt a bit pathetic and useless as a missionary but I was content to rest a bit after the challenges of Christmas. The second week of January, I was better and able to start teaching again but then Etienne got sick with similar symptoms. During that week, I started to feel really angry inside, for no apparent reason. When Etienne asked me to do something for him, I felt annoyed but also frustrated with myself because of how loving he had been when I was sick and how uncaring I was feeling now that he was sick... When I could find a god excuse not to go to church meetings, I stayed at home. I wasn't interested in talking to people or listening to them pray their long prayers or sharing their testimonies about what God had done in their lives. When Elie and Eliora asked me to help them with their schoolwork or come so they could show me something, I wanted to tell them to leave me alone... I just wanted to hide from the world.
Towards the end of that week, Etienne was making the cleaning rota for church and asked me if I wanted to be on it. My response included silence and a screwed up face. I hate cleaning. Really really hate cleaning. I'm not good at it either. And besides, 'Service' isn't one of my spiritual gifts...
Excuses, excuses. The truth is that I'm selfish and lazy.
The battle between who I am and who I want to be will continue until the day I die. I wish I had the willingness to serve that Etienne has. I wish I was as hard-working a missionary as Quentin was. (And I wish I didn't love my bed so much...)
On 15 January, as all this anger and frustration was raging inside me, a Bible verse app on my phone shared this with me:
"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." 1 Thes 5:23-24.
Peace. Blameless... I was certainly not feeling either of those.
"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." Jesus has called you, chosen you. He will fill you with peace. He will continue to dig out the deeply-embedded weeds in your heart, the selfishness, the pride, the laziness, the fear, and He will make you blameless. Because you simply can't do it on your own.
I cannot do it on my own.
That night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I started crying. Crying because I didn't want to be feeling so hostile and angry, crying because I was ashamed of myself and how I'd been treating other people and having bad thoughts towards them, crying because I had alienated my husband and not shared my struggles with him. It was one of those situations where I didn't want Etienne to know I was crying, but I did want him to know at the same time (that's a woman thing!). It didn't take him long to realise, and then I was able to open up about all the stuff that was boiling inside. It was such a relief to share my burden (as always... When will I learn to share sooner?). And then Etienne prayed, turning over my issues and our lives to God once again, claiming the promise that His grace is sufficient.
I am so grateful for my husband and so grateful that God is who He is.
No doubt there will be more trying times, when Happy Me walks out the door and is replaced by Hostile Me. But no doubt, God loves me anyway and chooses me anyway and continues to fulfil His promise to change me to be more like Him. Amen!
PS Thank you to everyone who is praying for us. We are so in need of God's strength!
PPS I'm not pregnant :-P
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